Welcome back to my Short Sleep Cycle Adventures!
As of typing this it is almost 1700EST and I feel really good. Last night (this morning, I suppose) was my second night at a 4 hour sleep schedule and so far, it’s working great! The best thing that I’ve noticed so far is that everything feels like it’s slowed down for me. I’m not rushing to beat a clock and I am able to take on more work WHILE having more time to follow my hobbies, such as this blog.
Ex called me a while back. I didn’t tell him that I was moving… I didn’t really think to.
I’ve passed the point where hearing his voice makes me roll in my gut. That hideous little snake of depression and anxiety that he always brought up has died. I can feel it rotting away sometimes when I think about how hard I tried to be straight and how it has obviously affected him. It’s his little slips that catch me biting my tongue, calling me “babe” out of that 15 year habit is one of them.
I can’t bring myself to be angry with him, not anymore. He’s screwed us both over in a multitude of ways, mine are mostly monetary aches that I just have to keep paying monthly till they fade away like my guilt snake.
I want to be angry with him. I want to ask why I lost all of my friends over this. I want to ask how it feels to be “right” because he’s the straight one. I want to be angry so badly but I don’t have it in me anymore. It feels like it would be easier to be angry than to admit that he’s never going to truly go away. The fact of the matter is that I’m always going to care for him. I’m always going to remember him. I am always going to hope the best for him.
But I don’t feel responsible for his future anymore. And you know what? I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
One small article for the internet, one giant leap for yours truly! I’ve been published by my dear friend, Robyn Miller on her blog, Nerd Person Narrative. I’ll be doing a few little guest spots there about gaming. My SEO work is also picking up and I’m feeling pretty good about writing professionally.
I’m really getting into looking at fandom and the interactions within them. There’s something really magical for me about watching how people interact and share ideas over media. The collective mentality when watching something like the Welcome to Night Vale fandom interact is fascinating.
But for now, I’ve got a lot of other balls in the air and I’m working on scooping them up. I’ve recently opened up a twitter and a tumblr, feel free to follow me for smaller posts and updates!
Oh, this has been a whirlwind two months, my blogfriends. I moved from the hell hole, I’m not getting my deposit back because I left some things there (but I did leave the place MUCH CLEANER than I got it). My ladyfriend moved in with me for the summer and she helped me move. It’s been really interesting, we sniped at each other a bit, but there was no major blow up and we’re almost all settled in.
Our new place is small. Extremely so, but it’s very nice. We’re slowly getting down to purging and unpacking things, the closet, a pile, and some shelves need to happen but we’ve definitely slowed down. My goal is to set up three more shelves today and put things on them. It’s real cozy and I love it here.
Ladyfriend can walk to work and I am only 8 minutes away by car. It’s really nice to be so … I dunno, close to everything. I can walk everywhere that I want to and I am enjoying the sort of relaxed freelance kinda feeling. Speaking of Freelance, I’m doing very well with the freelance job. So well, in fact, I am planning to be out of debt entirely in six years.
After that…maybe I’ll quit my main gig. I sort of daydream about having the freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want to go. Freelance is freedom for me. Once my debts are all paid up I am really not that expensive a person. Little apartment, enough food and time with my dogs is all I need.
It’s an odd thing to have choices. Lady Luck is smiling upon me. I’m not an expressly spiritual person, but I feel like something is looking out and that as long as I keep myself open, good things will come my way. Optimism is a nice thing to wear.
I’ve been medicated for about two months now, give two days. While I feel like the medication has been working, for the most part, I took a nosedive last night. It had just been stressful, My boss got a new boss who proceeded to go through all of our personnel files and then individually meet with us and it just slid down from there…
The show was amazing. I’m still nervous that I didn’t get good pictures for my friend’s line, however. The runway went better than I hoped, the crowd responded really well to me and I had fun. It was interesting to be ultra girly for a night (though I need to learn to walk in heels). Even when I was playing the Straight Game ™ I was never very good at being conventionally pretty. I don’t think I’m good at being attractive, though my Ladyfriend would argue otherwise. Continue reading