Welcome back to my Short Sleep Cycle Adventures!
As of typing this it is almost 1700EST and I feel really good. Last night (this morning, I suppose) was my second night at a 4 hour sleep schedule and so far, it’s working great! The best thing that I’ve noticed so far is that everything feels like it’s slowed down for me. I’m not rushing to beat a clock and I am able to take on more work WHILE having more time to follow my hobbies, such as this blog.
I’ve found that depression is the reason that I kept with this blog. It’s the reason that many people who I read and comment to on a regular basis and I came into contact. Some sort of shared emotional tragedy and pretty words have that magic glue to cement people together.
At least that’s true in that casual, safe from a distance sort of way. I’ve had online journals before, but they have hidden behind fandoms and pleasantries that hide who I am. But this one is different. It’s followed me and I’m excited because it’s getting more exposure, more traffic and yet those casual safe from a distance sort of way folks are still here reading.
I think it’s safe to say that I’m actually proud of myself.
All that being said, I was really hesitant to call this case “closed”; I’m not sure that depression really goes away. All I know is that I’ve been off of my medication for a little over a month now and I feel good. I have bad days, I have good ones, and I’m having great ones too.
And I’m writing.
I used to hate having chapters with neat, happy endings, but lately, my life has changed my mind.
Ex called me a while back. I didn’t tell him that I was moving… I didn’t really think to.
I’ve passed the point where hearing his voice makes me roll in my gut. That hideous little snake of depression and anxiety that he always brought up has died. I can feel it rotting away sometimes when I think about how hard I tried to be straight and how it has obviously affected him. It’s his little slips that catch me biting my tongue, calling me “babe” out of that 15 year habit is one of them.
I can’t bring myself to be angry with him, not anymore. He’s screwed us both over in a multitude of ways, mine are mostly monetary aches that I just have to keep paying monthly till they fade away like my guilt snake.
I want to be angry with him. I want to ask why I lost all of my friends over this. I want to ask how it feels to be “right” because he’s the straight one. I want to be angry so badly but I don’t have it in me anymore. It feels like it would be easier to be angry than to admit that he’s never going to truly go away. The fact of the matter is that I’m always going to care for him. I’m always going to remember him. I am always going to hope the best for him.
But I don’t feel responsible for his future anymore. And you know what? I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
One small article for the internet, one giant leap for yours truly! I’ve been published by my dear friend, Robyn Miller on her blog, Nerd Person Narrative. I’ll be doing a few little guest spots there about gaming. My SEO work is also picking up and I’m feeling pretty good about writing professionally.
I’m really getting into looking at fandom and the interactions within them. There’s something really magical for me about watching how people interact and share ideas over media. The collective mentality when watching something like the Welcome to Night Vale fandom interact is fascinating.
But for now, I’ve got a lot of other balls in the air and I’m working on scooping them up. I’ve recently opened up a twitter and a tumblr, feel free to follow me for smaller posts and updates!
Oh, this has been a whirlwind two months, my blogfriends. I moved from the hell hole, I’m not getting my deposit back because I left some things there (but I did leave the place MUCH CLEANER than I got it). My ladyfriend moved in with me for the summer and she helped me move. It’s been really interesting, we sniped at each other a bit, but there was no major blow up and we’re almost all settled in.
Our new place is small. Extremely so, but it’s very nice. We’re slowly getting down to purging and unpacking things, the closet, a pile, and some shelves need to happen but we’ve definitely slowed down. My goal is to set up three more shelves today and put things on them. It’s real cozy and I love it here.
Ladyfriend can walk to work and I am only 8 minutes away by car. It’s really nice to be so … I dunno, close to everything. I can walk everywhere that I want to and I am enjoying the sort of relaxed freelance kinda feeling. Speaking of Freelance, I’m doing very well with the freelance job. So well, in fact, I am planning to be out of debt entirely in six years.
After that…maybe I’ll quit my main gig. I sort of daydream about having the freedom to go wherever I want whenever I want to go. Freelance is freedom for me. Once my debts are all paid up I am really not that expensive a person. Little apartment, enough food and time with my dogs is all I need.
It’s an odd thing to have choices. Lady Luck is smiling upon me. I’m not an expressly spiritual person, but I feel like something is looking out and that as long as I keep myself open, good things will come my way. Optimism is a nice thing to wear.
I haven’t posted in a while and I really do mean to make a more serious musing sooner or later, however, I have something silly on my mind and I really just needed a public place to put it. See, I have this giant level two man crush on Hugh Dancy. If you’re familiar with Jenna Marbles then you probably have heard her girl crush comments. If not, there are three levels of crushes.
Image from sugardarlingvintage.com
Level One: You want to hang out with this person and get coffee or something. Maybe just stare at them like a creeper. You wanna be near them.
Level Two: Where I am. You go to Creeper Level Two here and want to be them. Look at that guy, he’s fucking pretty. He’s really pretty. You kinda just want to look at him. And to be perfectly honest, is it really wrong that I sort of want to be Hugh Dancy? He’s attractive, rich, has a banging hot wife, what’s not to like? (He can actually keep Claire Danes, I come equipped with my own banging hot blonde ladyfriend.*)
Level Three: Not here, cause I’m gay. It’s Creeper Level 9000 and you know who you are.
I mean, quite obviously I’m never going to stalk him or anything like that, because that’s creepy and I wouldn’t REALLY want his life, I like mine and I probably couldn’t act my way out of a parking ticket. But there it is. I wouldn’t mind having his money, but I know how much actors WORK and I’m way too invested in laying on my floor for that nonsense.
*See, Hugh, we have so much in common, we are both pretty with hot blonde ladies. Sure you dress better than I do and have about a hojillion more dollars than I do… but … TWO THINGS!
We’ve all heard this idea that’s been tossed around about marriage or hetero partnerships. The most common “tip” for a long marriage is the man saying that he knows how to make her smile. Not “we can communicate openly” or “being honest” instead it sounds like all he has to do is placate his woman and she’ll shut up. Now, I don’t deny that smiling and being able to lift your partner’s spirits is important in a relationship. It is. However, when does it stop being about making her smile and start being OBLIGATING her to smile?
This was always a point of unease and contention when I was married. I would feel overwhelmed or upset and my ex would do or say something silly. It wouldn’t help the situation at all, and instead of trying to fix or talk about what upset me, he would then become hurt and say “I was trying to make you smile” or “I just wanted to hear you laugh”. In the end, the result was that he felt like he’d done his part to make me feel better without doing anything but make me feel guilty on top of overwhelmed. I don’t want to say that he never worked or tried to lessen my load, however he had this idea that if I just smiled everything would go away.
That’s not how life works. “We’ll find a way” or “just smile” doesn’t really -do- anything. Smiling is all well and good, but it isn’t the only emotion that I’m allowed to have as a woman. I’m allowed to be annoyed, things that upset me are not imaginary and they deserve attention. By giving me this mandate to smile then ignore what is bothering me because someone else told me to just makes me feel ill inside. I don’t owe anyone a smile. I smile when I mean it. Obligating me to do that just invalidates my emotions in general for someone else’s benefit.
I can’t help but wonder, when I hear this canned advise tossed about, who else feels this way. How many other people smile in front of clenched teeth with nothing but the added stress of pleasing someone else on top of whatever was bothering them in the first place. For me, emotions in general are hard to genuinely show and have. The fact that I’ve been OBLIGATED to fake happy so much and for so long hasn’t helped me at all. Here’s the thing about relationships, no one is always happy.
It’s one of the things that I really love about my current relationship. I don’t feel like I have to hold my emotions close to my chest and smile. If I’m upset I can say “This upsets me, here is why” if L is upset, she can say “I don’t like this, here is why”. We argue, we disagree, we set out plans to fix our problems. The “difficult” things are what you’re supposed to deal with in a relationship. It adds, for me, this huge security to the entity that is “us”. I know that nothing I can do would immediately push her away. I know that we can talk about problems and confront them. I am not living with the fear that if I’m not smiling enough she will walk away. The ability to discuss and communicate our problems is so much more important to me than being able to make her smile. Because now, when she smiles, I know she means it.
And when I smile, I do too.