Tag Archives: divorce

A Relaxed Divorce: The End

First off, my live feed was a success. I got wonderful feedback and intend to do more in the future with them. Hopefully I’ll answer more questions on general adulthood with my August session, a college edition. This one will be cleaner and posted here for others to view. I’ll also get back to more professional posts now that I’ve gotten myself back.

The only thing I’m waiting on is the QDRO to go through. Till then, I still have to deal with my ex and his … growing immaturity. I still love him, it hurts to see him being so stubborn and it’s scary to have that attached to my credit still. I’m keeping enough to cover his end in my account till then, and it’s got me strapped. But I really do feel better with the windfall.

I am so much happier now, alone. I can’t stress how happy being alone makes me. I have a nice schedule. I do little things around the townhouse every day. I cook, I go out with friends and I’m learning how much friends I can take at any given time. I’m not expressly a social person. It’s not that I don’t LIKE other people. I do. I think of myself as a really open and loving person.

I just really love being alone.

The fact of the matter is that I get overwhelmed a bit easily. I don’t freak out, and I can smile and have fun (not just pretend) but I need a recharge period. And after my month and a half of not being alone, I think I’m finally charged up again. When people are over I get thrown off my routine. And then I have to get it back again. My routine is kind of key to my Zen. Whatever that says about me.

Name’s changed, address is done, new insurance is here. I’m moving on and actually enjoying it.


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A Relaxed Divorce… Kinda


Nothing about this move has been relaxed in the slightest. My total apartment move was horrendous. When I arrived on Friday the place hadn’t even been cleaned. There was new carpet, but it was laid hastily and already had glue stains on it. My windows had actually been painted shut (and the paint was still drying and began to bubble in the humidity in other places) and refused to open. My doors and vents are painted over and continue to flake. A super rush job. My back door was broken and my front door had obviously been kicked in at one point. All of my sinks leaked (Every. Single. One.) and my condensation valve leaked. My tub spewed water from the hot water knob. Also my upstairs bedroom window has the inside pane separated. This was all I noticed at FIRST, later I realized that my stove sparked and was a fire hazard.

I lost an entire day of moving (They did reimburse me, but that’s besides the point) I have had to hound them and continue to bother them to fix basically anything. Apparently all but one of the maintenance guys is afraid of me. For right now the valve in the condensation line and the window are things that I’m just going to have to live with I’m sure. I’m still waiting on one of the SINKS to be fixed.

Taking care of the tiles from the obvious flood damage in the basement will be another story. I got grout myself and will be handling that this weekend. I was utterly livid. The walkthrough model is always going to be a little nicer, but this one had hard wood floors, an updated basement, a lovely bright bathroom, and the one I got has cheap carpet, old wood panels in the basement, and my bathroom looks like it should be a room in Silent Hill.

But it’s a quiet complex of families and graduate students at a really cheap price. The grounds are lovely and good to walk with my dog. This is important to me, and I can put up with it being run down. Had the model I walked through been more like what I got, I probably wouldn’t even be this upset. However, this was almost like a total bait and switch. Being in Ohio I don’t have too much recourse against them, and really, once the dang sink is fixed I will not have that much to deal with. It’ll do for a few years, till I financially recover from the separation.

My ex burned my temper pretty bad the day after he moved out of state. He called me and had me try to run him through setting up a modem on a system and with equipment I’d never dealt with before. It took me about an hour before I realized that he was typing the internet address in wrong to even get to the main hub for the router. That had just been an annoying thing altogether. There are very few people I can jawjack with on the phone without getting annoyed to begin with. While he, for the most part, is one of them, really, I’m not tech support. He’s also apparently not comprehending the spousal support issue, or how much money that he needs to put in the joint account for bills until the QDRO goes through. I appreciate that he’s keeping in contact about issues, but I feel like I’m holding his hand when I shouldn’t be.

Regardless, I’ve got some good friends coming over on Saturday to help me finish putting my place together and the animals seem to be adjusting okay. Work’s also going very well and understanding of the fact that I needed a mental health day on Monday. I’m also enjoying the fact that I can cook whatever I want and rather proud of the fact that I have food for two weeks off of 49 bucks. I never realized how expensive the ex was to feed. I am trying a system of taking cash out for the week (food, gas, fun) and when it’s gone it’s gone. It’s too early to tell how well it’s working, but my fingers are crossed.

I’m going to also call about my sink/window/valve today. Hopefully something good will happen.



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A Relaxed Divorce: Part Three

A Relaxed Divorce: Part Three

Well, now it’s down to the wire. Crunch time, so to speak. Lawyer chasing is, perhaps, the most exhausting experience I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m beyond frustrated with this process. I expected to have paperwork to sign to get the ball rolling on Friday, instead he asked for information that he should have asked for two weeks ago. Because my ex picked this lawyer, he gets defensive when I criticize him. However, we talked about that and have reached an understanding.

In the news of progress, despite my mortgage company losing their minds and asking for what I felt was a ludicrous sum of money, we got an offer on the house. This was with ONE day of showing. I have no idea what this realtor does, but I’m almost convinced he is a wizard. The offer is exactly what the mortgage company asked for, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that they will now accept this offer. They turned around remarkably fast for a mortgage company last time to deny the past offer (within a week and a half) so instead of being crunched, I’m going to call my town house now and ask to move in on the 24th of next month.

Since I’m going out of town this weekend, the ex is calling up his out of state friends and starting to move things out of the garage. Ex is a large man, and he has a pickup truck, so hopefully we will be able to move me in a calm and relaxed fashion. We have a team of about five people willing to help, myself included.

Taxes are also done and on their way, so hopefully by the end of the week a sizable chunk of bills will be paid off and gone forever. We’re excited to shed this weight as we begin our new lives. We talked about decorating when we went out to brunch Sunday. I think that it’s been almost four years since I’ve enjoyed his company as much as I did that day. I wish he wasn’t moving so far away sometimes, because I will miss things like brunch at my favorite local bar. I’ll miss watching Beetlejuice and Office Space and just relaxing with him. But, then again, he’s straight, and straight women are less likely to understand the “my ex-wife is gay” issue.

The more I’m out of the closet in my public life (not professional, at least not for a while, for reasons I won’t get into) the more I realize how common my situation is. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who ran off to get married as soon as the law allowed. My age-range seems to have a high rate of gay people getting married to the first prospect that seems acceptable. Don’t get me wrong, ex is a wonderful husband, and he will be a wonderful father someday. Had I been straight, this would have been a fairytale.

Somewhere down the line, some gay folks stop believing in physical love. They don’t believe in that magic spark or connection anymore. They don’t believe that they’ll ever feel on fire when someone touches them. They don’t feel playful in the bedroom and they resign themselves to that because that is the price to pay to be “normal”. The older we get, the harder this mask is to keep up. Point blank, I care much less at 30 about what people think of me than I did at 20. I think this is true across the board. But this meant that I had two lives by the time I was 24.

The internet exasperated this, because I reached out and found friends who were understanding of my life. They knew me by a handle, when we started hanging out in real life, they even called me by that handle. It’s been a long time coming for me to put down the “mask” that was making me AND my ex miserable. He deserves a lover that wants him and I deserve to feel that fire as much as he does.


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Oh the House

Apparently the house has another offer on it from the showings that were set up yesterday. I’m floored about that. It means that I can’t stay in the house as long as I otherwise would have, but there’s nothing wrong with that reality. This whole short sale process has been strange, to say the least. I’ve come out of it much wiser and when I purchase my next home, I’m going to be much more careful than I was this time. I know what to look for, and I know what to ask for. Hindsight is 20/20, they say. 

Thing one I would advise on is make sure you know what you’re paying every month exactly. Don’t just take the ‘price’ given as what your total will be. Make sure to ask about property taxes, inclusion of fees, if there’s a home owner’s association, and most importantly, if there’s anything else that the company can throw in. I was naive and trusting of banks when I got this house. I don’t think anyone is like that anymore.

Still waiting on the final paperwork from the lawyer. This is going to end up with me getting some spousal support until the QDRO is taken care of. I really hate how long this takes. I felt ultra emotional today, oddly enough. I don’t know why I spent it in the state that I did. I’m doing such a good job at work, and this is just happening at it’s own pace. I’ve never been good at waiting, is the problem. Particularly waiting on things that I feel are urgent. I rarely feel like anything really is urgent.

My ex has moved most of his stuff about and out. I suppose I should do the same this weekend.

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A Relaxed Divorce: Part Two

Please don’t let there be more days like Tuesday. I took a full day off work because I was under the impression that I was going to meet with a lawyer and my to-be-ex. Instead, my ex informed me at 4:45PM EST that “well, he said he’d be free today, not that we were meeting”. To say that I was livid was an understatement. In truth, I half expected this so I planned to have our taxes filed and go to the dentist so the day wouldn’t be a total wash of playing videogames.

The double edged sword of ending my relationship is that I’m keenly aware of exactly how my to-be-ex does things. This makes him easy to predict, even when he makes me angry. He was aware that I was upset, apologized, and I’m sure that I’m not being the best adult at all times either.

Case in point, while he was looking for a place to live out of state last weekend, I went and got a haircut and a pedicure. These were not adult choices. I should not have done these things because the spa is not cheap. I do not regret my peacock blue toes for a second. Despite my tendency to micromanage money and be an excel spreadsheet addict, I’m aware that people deserve treats from time to time. I didn’t make a fuss when my to-be-ex needed a large sum of money to fix his truck, he didn’t fuss about my haircut. In fact, he encouraged it as much as I encouraged his truck work.

I think that it’s very important to do things for yourself during stressful times. They don’t have to cost money. Taking a long walk with a friend or a pet is every bit as calming as a spa day for some people. I’ve also taken it upon myself to research “home spa” treatments. Once again, a quick google search brought me to a ton of concoctions for home beauty treatments. Though honestly, I’m really just trying to get used to doing things alone.

I was with my ex at 15 years old. We never waivered and were your storybook relationship until we actually grew up. I realized I was gay and he realized he wanted to have children and be close to his family. We matured into entirely different people and there’s nothing wrong with that. The failure of our marriage wasn’t anyone’s fault. But to continue the relationship would mean that we would no longer be happy. We care for each other far too much to “go through the motions”.  

The complication that I’m facing emotionally is the fact that I will desperately miss his family. There are nieces and nephews that do not know I’m not a biological relative because I’ve always been in their lives. His eldest niece is getting married in June this year and while I am hoping for an invitation I will not be shocked if I do not get one. He seems to believe that nothing will change, that his family will still welcome me with open arms, and that I will be invited to functions.

I’m not as optimistic.

All in all I loathe this limbo feeling. Waiting on the lawyer, waiting on the mortgage company, waiting on the tax returns… waiting waiting waiting and nothing I can do about it. I don’t like my life not being something I can control.

He is slated to move out of the house in April and I in May, provided we don’t hear about the house before then. I hope to hear about it in late April. That will mean I am able to give myself time to move things out and not have to do it in one fell swoop. Though maybe one fell swoop will be better.

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A Relaxed Divorce: Part One

I’m going to basically discuss what is going on with my ongoing divorce. Because I’m on excellent terms with my ex and because we’re sharing a common goal, I feel like I’m far better off than most people experiencing this same issue. It’s important to mention that even though things are “going smoothly” emotionally this is a wrecking ball. If you’re going through this or something less “Smooth” please consider talking to someone. No one needs to go through major issues such as a divorce alone.

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