Tag Archives: changes

Super Human Powers? The Adventures of Short Sleeping

It’s no secret to people that know me that sleep and I are tentative acquaintances at the very best. Sleep and I don’t quite get along, she lets me hang out, but really just enough to get by. I’m tired of it, so I made an appointment to get myself into a sleep clinic.

For full disclosure, I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression, slight anti-social disorder, and have had a history of alcohol abuse. All of these conditions are well managed and by all accounts I have an excellent life. I do work too much, but day-to-day stresses are not that big in my list of things to worry about. In fact, I don’t spend much time worrying about anything these days.

I do drink coffee and tea, but low to no caffeine. I probably drink 1 to 3 fully caffeinated drinks a day, if that. I don’t eat a lot of sugar, I don’t eat right before bed, I work out on a regular basis. I’m a healthy person by almost all standards.

I suppose that’s why my inability to sleep more than 2 hours at a time is starting to grate on me. I’m busy. If I honestly don’t need 8 hours of sleep and instead can do something else and spend more time awake and doing things, I’m going to do it. Here’s what my NORMAL sleep pattern looks like:

11:30pm Went to bed

1:00am Woke up – Showered, watch a video, had a pint of water, refilled water glass

2:40am Went to bed

2:53am Got up – Drank 1/3 pint of water

2:56am Went to bed

3:56am Woke up – Drank 1/3 pint of water

3:57am Went to bed

5:10am Woke up – Finished water, refilled water glass

5:20am Went to bed

7:00am Alarm woke up – reset alarm

7:10am Alarm woke up – reset alarm

7:20am Alarm Got up for the day – Had more water [Late to work]

When I discussed this with my sleep doctor, he was fairly quick to assess that I may have what’s known as Shorted Sleep Cycle. ″What’s that?″ I asked. ″It basically means that you only need 4 to 5 hours of sleep a night″ he replies.

″That’s a THING?″

I think that perhaps my enthusiasm shocked him. He nodded, however, and said ″it’s exceptionally rare, but yes, it’s a thing″.

Short Sleepers are people (about 1% of the general population) that function best on half of a regular sleep cycle. If I truly am a member of this mutant club, it means that I only need 4-5 hours of sleep a night. Getting more than that won’t hurt me, but I don’t need it. My body isn’t really having trouble falling asleep, it’s just not wanting to sleep that long.

This excites me! As I am typing this, I’m quite content at 1:30am. I feel like this may be a THING I can do! I got extra things done for my second job! I’m productive!! So, we’ll see if I actually sleep a full 4 hours straight, or if this is going to be a bust. Regardless, I’ll take you all along for the ride. See you guys tomorrow, where I will update what Short Sleeping really is, tell you about how I handled my first day on the 4 hour schedule, and talk a bit about my lack of jet-lag.

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Bupropion Diaries: I Won’t Say it’s Over

I’ve found that depression is the reason that I kept with this blog. It’s the reason that many people who I read and comment to on a regular basis and I came into contact. Some sort of shared emotional tragedy and pretty words have that magic glue to cement people together.

At least that’s true in that casual, safe from a distance sort of way. I’ve had online journals before, but they have hidden behind fandoms and pleasantries that hide who I am. But this one is different. It’s followed me and I’m excited because it’s getting more exposure, more traffic and yet those casual safe from a distance sort of way folks are still here reading.

I think it’s safe to say that I’m actually proud of myself.

All that being said, I was really hesitant to call this case “closed”; I’m not sure that depression really goes away. All I know is that I’ve been off of my medication for a little over a month now and I feel good. I have bad days, I have good ones, and I’m having great ones too.

And I’m writing.

I used to hate having chapters with neat, happy endings, but lately, my life has changed my mind.

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Maybe it’s Never Really Over: a Relaxed Divorce

Ex called me a while back. I didn’t tell him that I was moving… I didn’t really think to.

I’ve passed the point where hearing his voice makes me roll in my gut. That hideous little snake of depression and anxiety that he always brought up has died. I can feel it rotting away sometimes when I think about how hard I tried to be straight and how it has obviously affected him. It’s his little slips that catch me biting my tongue, calling me “babe” out of that 15 year habit is one of them.

I can’t bring myself to be angry with him, not anymore. He’s screwed us both over in a multitude of ways, mine are mostly monetary aches that I just have to keep paying monthly till they fade away like my guilt snake.

I want to be angry with him. I want to ask why I lost all of my friends over this. I want to ask how it feels to be “right” because he’s the straight one. I want to be angry so badly but I don’t have it in me anymore. It feels like it would be easier to be angry than to admit that he’s never going to truly go away. The fact of the matter is that I’m always going to care for him. I’m always going to remember him. I am always going to hope the best for him.

But I don’t feel responsible for his future anymore. And you know what? I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.

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Bupropion Diaries Day 13

 

The medicine works like a slow slow ninja. That is about all that I can say about it at this point. For the first three days I felt nothing. No difference in anything. In fact, on day four I hit snooze for an HOUR and was a FULL HALF HOUR late to work. I was told that this could take a full month for me to feel anything, so I dutifully continued. By day five, I started to notice that things were lighter and moving faster. Time felt very fluid to me again, it didn’t jolt and drag. I felt like I was lighter as well, even my bag wasn’t a weight.

 

The holidays have been stressful, they always are. But they were manageable. Driving two dogs 300 miles, seeing my ex, dealing with family, driving the two dogs back home in a blizzard… it was really fine. No one asked strange questions and I didn’t deal with anyone that I didn’t want to deal with. When I got back home, I managed to wake up on time for work, do my job with ease, and generally at least act like myself again. Yesterday I wrote a poem, today I wrote a scene.

 

The only problem that I currently have is a generalized anxiety. I’m fairly certain that previous actions (while drunk, whose surprised? Not me) have lost me a friend, so I feel isolated and lonely. I’ve reached out twice, but… I don’t know. Rationally I think that the holidays are playing a role in lack of communication, but my anxiety is really high lately.

 

My doctor said that I should give it two more weeks. So we’ll see what it is. The good news is that I’m not drinking that much anymore. So hopefully I won’t lose anything else.

 

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Bupropion Diaries Day 1

I’ve taken most of the day to consider how to write this; I’m not even sure how to put a lot of what I think and feel into words. I’ve become very adept in saying what I know people want to hear, I am confident and assuring when I need to be, I am soft and questioning when I need to be. Because if I make waves, the response could be agitated. This requires a lot of work and energy on my part and can end badly regardless of what I do. All this has accumulated into a person who is not comfortable with introspection and cannot really express their own feelings well. Due to my general dysthymia and anhedonia (It’s doctor talk for depressed and cannot find joy in anything) I’ve begun therapy involving Bupropion.  I’m going to diary my personal experiences with it, mostly to see if I am, in fact, making progress.

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A Relaxed Divorce… Kinda

 

Nothing about this move has been relaxed in the slightest. My total apartment move was horrendous. When I arrived on Friday the place hadn’t even been cleaned. There was new carpet, but it was laid hastily and already had glue stains on it. My windows had actually been painted shut (and the paint was still drying and began to bubble in the humidity in other places) and refused to open. My doors and vents are painted over and continue to flake. A super rush job. My back door was broken and my front door had obviously been kicked in at one point. All of my sinks leaked (Every. Single. One.) and my condensation valve leaked. My tub spewed water from the hot water knob. Also my upstairs bedroom window has the inside pane separated. This was all I noticed at FIRST, later I realized that my stove sparked and was a fire hazard.

I lost an entire day of moving (They did reimburse me, but that’s besides the point) I have had to hound them and continue to bother them to fix basically anything. Apparently all but one of the maintenance guys is afraid of me. For right now the valve in the condensation line and the window are things that I’m just going to have to live with I’m sure. I’m still waiting on one of the SINKS to be fixed.

Taking care of the tiles from the obvious flood damage in the basement will be another story. I got grout myself and will be handling that this weekend. I was utterly livid. The walkthrough model is always going to be a little nicer, but this one had hard wood floors, an updated basement, a lovely bright bathroom, and the one I got has cheap carpet, old wood panels in the basement, and my bathroom looks like it should be a room in Silent Hill.

But it’s a quiet complex of families and graduate students at a really cheap price. The grounds are lovely and good to walk with my dog. This is important to me, and I can put up with it being run down. Had the model I walked through been more like what I got, I probably wouldn’t even be this upset. However, this was almost like a total bait and switch. Being in Ohio I don’t have too much recourse against them, and really, once the dang sink is fixed I will not have that much to deal with. It’ll do for a few years, till I financially recover from the separation.

My ex burned my temper pretty bad the day after he moved out of state. He called me and had me try to run him through setting up a modem on a system and with equipment I’d never dealt with before. It took me about an hour before I realized that he was typing the internet address in wrong to even get to the main hub for the router. That had just been an annoying thing altogether. There are very few people I can jawjack with on the phone without getting annoyed to begin with. While he, for the most part, is one of them, really, I’m not tech support. He’s also apparently not comprehending the spousal support issue, or how much money that he needs to put in the joint account for bills until the QDRO goes through. I appreciate that he’s keeping in contact about issues, but I feel like I’m holding his hand when I shouldn’t be.

Regardless, I’ve got some good friends coming over on Saturday to help me finish putting my place together and the animals seem to be adjusting okay. Work’s also going very well and understanding of the fact that I needed a mental health day on Monday. I’m also enjoying the fact that I can cook whatever I want and rather proud of the fact that I have food for two weeks off of 49 bucks. I never realized how expensive the ex was to feed. I am trying a system of taking cash out for the week (food, gas, fun) and when it’s gone it’s gone. It’s too early to tell how well it’s working, but my fingers are crossed.

I’m going to also call about my sink/window/valve today. Hopefully something good will happen.

 

 

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A Relaxed Divorce: Part Three

A Relaxed Divorce: Part Three

Well, now it’s down to the wire. Crunch time, so to speak. Lawyer chasing is, perhaps, the most exhausting experience I’ve ever had to deal with. I’m beyond frustrated with this process. I expected to have paperwork to sign to get the ball rolling on Friday, instead he asked for information that he should have asked for two weeks ago. Because my ex picked this lawyer, he gets defensive when I criticize him. However, we talked about that and have reached an understanding.

In the news of progress, despite my mortgage company losing their minds and asking for what I felt was a ludicrous sum of money, we got an offer on the house. This was with ONE day of showing. I have no idea what this realtor does, but I’m almost convinced he is a wizard. The offer is exactly what the mortgage company asked for, so I’m going to go ahead and assume that they will now accept this offer. They turned around remarkably fast for a mortgage company last time to deny the past offer (within a week and a half) so instead of being crunched, I’m going to call my town house now and ask to move in on the 24th of next month.

Since I’m going out of town this weekend, the ex is calling up his out of state friends and starting to move things out of the garage. Ex is a large man, and he has a pickup truck, so hopefully we will be able to move me in a calm and relaxed fashion. We have a team of about five people willing to help, myself included.

Taxes are also done and on their way, so hopefully by the end of the week a sizable chunk of bills will be paid off and gone forever. We’re excited to shed this weight as we begin our new lives. We talked about decorating when we went out to brunch Sunday. I think that it’s been almost four years since I’ve enjoyed his company as much as I did that day. I wish he wasn’t moving so far away sometimes, because I will miss things like brunch at my favorite local bar. I’ll miss watching Beetlejuice and Office Space and just relaxing with him. But, then again, he’s straight, and straight women are less likely to understand the “my ex-wife is gay” issue.

The more I’m out of the closet in my public life (not professional, at least not for a while, for reasons I won’t get into) the more I realize how common my situation is. It’s comforting to know that I’m not the only one who ran off to get married as soon as the law allowed. My age-range seems to have a high rate of gay people getting married to the first prospect that seems acceptable. Don’t get me wrong, ex is a wonderful husband, and he will be a wonderful father someday. Had I been straight, this would have been a fairytale.

Somewhere down the line, some gay folks stop believing in physical love. They don’t believe in that magic spark or connection anymore. They don’t believe that they’ll ever feel on fire when someone touches them. They don’t feel playful in the bedroom and they resign themselves to that because that is the price to pay to be “normal”. The older we get, the harder this mask is to keep up. Point blank, I care much less at 30 about what people think of me than I did at 20. I think this is true across the board. But this meant that I had two lives by the time I was 24.

The internet exasperated this, because I reached out and found friends who were understanding of my life. They knew me by a handle, when we started hanging out in real life, they even called me by that handle. It’s been a long time coming for me to put down the “mask” that was making me AND my ex miserable. He deserves a lover that wants him and I deserve to feel that fire as much as he does.

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