Ex called me a while back. I didn’t tell him that I was moving… I didn’t really think to.
I’ve passed the point where hearing his voice makes me roll in my gut. That hideous little snake of depression and anxiety that he always brought up has died. I can feel it rotting away sometimes when I think about how hard I tried to be straight and how it has obviously affected him. It’s his little slips that catch me biting my tongue, calling me “babe” out of that 15 year habit is one of them.
I can’t bring myself to be angry with him, not anymore. He’s screwed us both over in a multitude of ways, mine are mostly monetary aches that I just have to keep paying monthly till they fade away like my guilt snake.
I want to be angry with him. I want to ask why I lost all of my friends over this. I want to ask how it feels to be “right” because he’s the straight one. I want to be angry so badly but I don’t have it in me anymore. It feels like it would be easier to be angry than to admit that he’s never going to truly go away. The fact of the matter is that I’m always going to care for him. I’m always going to remember him. I am always going to hope the best for him.
But I don’t feel responsible for his future anymore. And you know what? I think that’s how it’s supposed to be.
First off, my live feed was a success. I got wonderful feedback and intend to do more in the future with them. Hopefully I’ll answer more questions on general adulthood with my August session, a college edition. This one will be cleaner and posted here for others to view. I’ll also get back to more professional posts now that I’ve gotten myself back.
The only thing I’m waiting on is the QDRO to go through. Till then, I still have to deal with my ex and his … growing immaturity. I still love him, it hurts to see him being so stubborn and it’s scary to have that attached to my credit still. I’m keeping enough to cover his end in my account till then, and it’s got me strapped. But I really do feel better with the windfall.
I am so much happier now, alone. I can’t stress how happy being alone makes me. I have a nice schedule. I do little things around the townhouse every day. I cook, I go out with friends and I’m learning how much friends I can take at any given time. I’m not expressly a social person. It’s not that I don’t LIKE other people. I do. I think of myself as a really open and loving person.
I just really love being alone.
The fact of the matter is that I get overwhelmed a bit easily. I don’t freak out, and I can smile and have fun (not just pretend) but I need a recharge period. And after my month and a half of not being alone, I think I’m finally charged up again. When people are over I get thrown off my routine. And then I have to get it back again. My routine is kind of key to my Zen. Whatever that says about me.
Name’s changed, address is done, new insurance is here. I’m moving on and actually enjoying it.