Year of the Protagonist: A Skeptic’s Darkness

I’ve never professed to be a spiritual person. I think it is because of how close I’ve been to death on a personal level. This isn’t to say that I don’t believe in some form of the ‘other’ but I don’t suppose that I give it its due, so to speak. Once you’ve accepted the fact that you are going to die before you’ve reached ten, there isn’t anything mystical about it. I’ve made peace with my mortality and I don’t know why, but it leaves me firmly in a skeptical landscape.

You’d be amazed to know that I’m friends with an Alchemist, Pagans, a Magician, and a Cloudwalker… but then again, respect is what makes friendships, not mindless agreement.

I’ve chatted on and off with most of them about what the “darkness” actually is. With the recent onset of daylight savings time a lot of people have been in a mourning period. I’m not quite sure what they are mourning, to be frank. I understand that the Dark is a comfortable place, but you can’t see where you are going without a light on from time to time. This is true with everything, secular or not.

It’s like being a person and getting along in society isn’t really about whatever metaphysics or Powers are there. My spiritual friends are my friends because they are good people who genuinely try to make themselves and the people around them better. They inspire me to be a good person and I hope that I manage to do the same. I appreciate their guidance and council.

So it’s almost odd to admit that I’m a skeptic. You’d think as much as I love horror and as ill as I was a child would firmly root me in the spiritual. The funny thing is that while I don’t disbelieve in ghosts, I’ve never felt haunted. When I was near death, there was no light. I didn’t get one of those fancy sort of last minute uplifting monologues from something greater than myself.

When I was younger this made me mad. All these people around me seemed to have been touched or hand selected for this higher calling and here I was, the little shit that camped on deaths’ doorstep with nothing. Even Death didn’t talk to me. She didn’t even turn on her voicemail when I came calling. This, of course, was my over dramatic teenaged self, I think I was trying too hard to be a goth.

There’s nothing otherworldly about darkness. I’ve walked in and out of it so many times in my life. There’s personal failures that bring on your own darkness that you have to walk out of. There’s situational failures that you have to deal with. I think that maybe one of the reasons I’m not spiritual is that I think you may have to have your house in order before you can go out Seeking. Maybe I’m wrong.

And it isn’t that I feel like I’m in the dark or occupying the darkness. That’s depression, that’s what crashes over my head like a black velvet final curtain. Thankfully even at my recent lows I haven’t felt curtains fall. Even though I’m still sick, the curtain’s above me and it’s not looming.

Now that there’s light on the subject I can see my bones littered about on the stage. I just need to figure out what the hell they assemble into.



Filed under Personal Life, Year of the Protagonist

4 responses to “Year of the Protagonist: A Skeptic’s Darkness

  1. Now you make me want to write my own post on it–honestly, for me, darkness is something of a relief sometimes. Kind of like how I talked about being around you feeling “quiet”? Light does let you see things, and sometimes it makes your eyes hurt. (I still love it, though.)

    But we’ve talked before about balance. And I think your skepticism is part of it. You’re a really grounding person to be around, because you’re willing to really look at things, without making a snap judgement either way.

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. 🙂

  2. I’ve never felt like you were judging me or anything like that, and I really appreciate it. I often keep you in mind when I’m writing blog posts, as a sort of “perfect audience” – am I explaining this thoroughly and simply? Am I overlooking an obvious explanation? And so on. So thank you for being the perfect audience, and I enjoy being your audience as well. You don’t have to be spiritual to be thought-provoking.

    • This is why we’ve been friends, I’m pretty sure. I am utterly fascinated by all that you share. Even if I don’t always comment, it’s not because I am not reading, I just don’t want to put my comments in where I’m not educated. Your posts are always very clear, I appreciate it. It’s nice to actually have someone who enjoys the sharing aspect and if I am confused, you give me enough information to go google it a bit on my own. ❤

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