I’ve been medicated for about two months now, give two days. While I feel like the medication has been working, for the most part, I took a nosedive last night. It had just been stressful, My boss got a new boss who proceeded to go through all of our personnel files and then individually meet with us and it just slid down from there…
I’d be lying if I said that I felt like I never answered people’s questions correctly. However, that was old Lily. Old lily didn’t care so much about what she wanted as long as she provided what was expected. That was the path of least resistance and boy howdy was I good at it. New Lily – REAL Lily – isn’t that geared to getting it right for others, as much as I am at getting it right for myself. So this lead me to wonder if I was wrong, if I talked too much, not enough, if I was ENGAGED too much or not enough.
When I got home my puppy was being a little jerkface. I mean I wanted to strangle him to death. I had to walk away and breathe a couple of times. He’s only 11months old. He’s a baby, I know that, but I’m not perfect, not by any stretch. When I get angry I don’t want to deal with anyone, I don’t want to speak with anyone, I don’t want to be touched. More interaction just makes me annoyed. I just want silence when I’m angry. Give me space and a moment to breathe.
I see a lot of people talk about how they are drawn to “darkness” whatever that may be. There has been a lot of talk about light and dark in my inner circle and it always leaves me a bit off center. I sometimes feel like they are following a thread that I can’t really grasp or see. It isn’t that I don’t feel a greater pull or like I’m part of something, I work in medicine and what I do has direct effects. I’m certainly part of something and while people are confusing, what I do I do with certainty. I’m good at it. It understands me like very few people do.
But I was talking about darkness, wasn’t I?
What is darkness exactly? It seems that for different people it is different things. I’ve seen people hold it up as a cynical font of knowledge, but that never holds water for me. Knowledge is not cynical. It simply is, don’t be angry with it for disagreeing with you. Some say that the darkness is a deep power to be utterly feared lest it consume you and that… that isn’t really something I believe either. How can darkness be so different from light? I believe in evil, don’t get me wrong, but darkness simply is, like knowledge.
Does it matter so much what “darkness” is? Maybe it’s simply a concept that helps us get a better view of ourselves. Shadows play an important role in our eye’s ability to comprehend an object. We can tell time, distance, size, depth… all from shadow or “darkness”. We need it to complete our self image or concept.
In that vein, for me, as it is for many others, I realize that my concept of darkness is just a place to rest. I have to go there, to silence and compose myself, sit down what is upsetting me and move along. In the darkness it gets lost and drifts away.
Perhaps I am poor with spiritual things at all, I just equated the darkness to a shelf. But I feel better for doing so.