The show was amazing. I’m still nervous that I didn’t get good pictures for my friend’s line, however. The runway went better than I hoped, the crowd responded really well to me and I had fun. It was interesting to be ultra girly for a night (though I need to learn to walk in heels). Even when I was playing the Straight Game ™ I was never very good at being conventionally pretty. I don’t think I’m good at being attractive, though my Ladyfriend would argue otherwise.
One thing I can say about the Fetish Community is that they are possibly the most friendly bunch of folks I’ve ever met. People were sharing outlets, chargers, hair products and joking with each other the entire time everyone was getting ready. The makeup artists and stylists were amazingly good and professional (and also friendly). It really is an ultra welcoming environment. There were also all sorts of body types walking around tall and proud. It was beautiful to see so many different looking people being secure and happy in their own skins. People weren’t sleazy or overbearing at all, either. No one demanded that anyone do something out of a comfort range, but people were more than welcome to share if asked. The environment felt so -honest-.
We are all looking forward to next year. I’m going to look into getting my Ladyfriend a photographer’s pass next year, she’d get such amazing shots. I am going to look up a modeling class for myself, maybe it’ll help me be less awkward turtle. It’d be fun to do maybe once or twice a week for a month or so. The designer already has a concept for an outfit for me, so I want to make sure I’m doing the best I can. Next year we want to stay for the whole convention. I’ve already agreed to book a suite and have people pay me back for it. I’m never driving to this venue the day of again. Driving in Providence is the single worst experience of my life, I utterly loathe that city’s inability to have a decent traffic flow.
The major thing that I took away from the experience is the idea that everyone has a body and no one should be ashamed of theirs. That’s not to say that you can’t want to change it, that you can’t work to alter it, that body is yours, after all. But wanting to tweak and change things isn’t embarrassment. Certainly you can say “this isn’t what I feel is me” and change it to what -is- you, but there’s a distinct difference between “I shouldn’t look like this” and “this is a hideous sack of flesh that I exist in”. If you’re embarrassed of -you- then no outside force will change that. No, not everyone -needs- to run around naked, either. Just don’t be ashamed, do what you do and what makes you feel like yourself. In the end, we’re all going into the same ground and nothing will change that.
I’m at a point now where I am comfortable in my own skin. I don’t feel like I’ve reached any point of enlightenment, mind you but there’s nothing to prove. While I used a fake name to model and walk, that name wasn’t a persona, really. She’s me. I wasn’t any different from a majority of the models there; we left behind a past that we didn’t want to deal with. My pseudonym is not hiding who I am, but protecting me from who I was. It’s not that there’s anything dangerous in the past, but it isn’t healthy for me to dwell on what I left behind me. The past is like a shed skin, faded and dry in comparison to who I am now. I’m not a hard, angry, or defensive person anymore.
Maybe it’s the meds, maybe it’s my age. Maybe this is a fleeting moment of security that will be gone when I wake up tomorrow. Maybe that really doesn’t matter at all.