I keep trying to write about what’s going on in my personal life with work and all (it’s all good, don’t worry) but I get afraid that maybe I’ll jinx it? Saying it out loud may erase everything that’s suddenly going oh so right. Maybe this high will be gone tomorrow. Maybe this is mania? I don’t know, I haven’t felt this light … well in a long, long time.
I was going through my posts to organize a bit and I found this entry. It may have been the last time I felt happy. That’s… over a year ago. I mourn for wanting to know that girl again, but maybe that freedom I felt was false at the time. I wasn’t truly letting go of what was holding me back and I needed a crutch to prop up an imaginary me.
The problem is that I don’t know who real me is anymore. I’ve spent so much time being someone else for other people that I really never was myself for me. Whoever I am is new to me. I’m not the life of the party and always outgoing. I need a lot of quiet time, not time with background noise, but actual silence. I like spending a day on the computer on the weekend. I like cleaning. I’m an open, sexual person and there’s nothing wrong with that.
I’m also very scared sometimes. I’m selfish and inconsiderate and I can hurt people’s feelings without realizing or thinking about it. I drink too much. I am seeking help to work on these things and I am thankful that the people who have stuck by me see what I, quite honestly, still can’t see.
But I am working on it. And today, maybe it’s the start of a lot of days where this is my normal. Here’s to hoping.