Bupropion Diaries – I’m just a girl who can’t say no

I had an (obvious) realization about myself last night…

I try to be a good friend. I try very very hard to be honest because honesty was something that I never really got from other people. I don’t have things in the background, if I think it I say it. This openness, this brashness, makes me unpalatable to a lot of people, but I’m comfortable with it. Yes, I should hold my cards a bit closer to my chest, I probably have nowhere near the decorum that I should, but honestly, I’d rather have it all out there than accidentally hold the one thing that will make someone angry.

Of course, this fed into my need to make everyone happy. My lack of boundaries also feeds into that. I’m very giving because I’m afraid of saying no. I’m worried about any transgression making me the one that no one deals with. I’m the “disposable¬†friend” and my previous relationships all but proved it. I’m somehow always the one that is getting slapped on the wrist, despite seeing other people in the past getting away scott free. While I accept that some of this may be my brain making me into a victim, I’m done now.

Like, it’s over, I’m done now.

I’m learning to say no. It’s really working well. I managed to leave a party early on Saturday and I did it stone sober. I left pizza before 7pm last night (also sober). I know it doesn’t sound like much, in the light of what a fucking hot mess I am, but I feel accomplished.

Today I woke up on time to actually shower before work, get a protein shake in, and head out the door. The anxiety is going away. Now if I could just focus on writing…

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