Please don’t let there be more days like Tuesday. I took a full day off work because I was under the impression that I was going to meet with a lawyer and my to-be-ex. Instead, my ex informed me at 4:45PM EST that “well, he said he’d be free today, not that we were meeting”. To say that I was livid was an understatement. In truth, I half expected this so I planned to have our taxes filed and go to the dentist so the day wouldn’t be a total wash of playing videogames.
The double edged sword of ending my relationship is that I’m keenly aware of exactly how my to-be-ex does things. This makes him easy to predict, even when he makes me angry. He was aware that I was upset, apologized, and I’m sure that I’m not being the best adult at all times either.
Case in point, while he was looking for a place to live out of state last weekend, I went and got a haircut and a pedicure. These were not adult choices. I should not have done these things because the spa is not cheap. I do not regret my peacock blue toes for a second. Despite my tendency to micromanage money and be an excel spreadsheet addict, I’m aware that people deserve treats from time to time. I didn’t make a fuss when my to-be-ex needed a large sum of money to fix his truck, he didn’t fuss about my haircut. In fact, he encouraged it as much as I encouraged his truck work.
I think that it’s very important to do things for yourself during stressful times. They don’t have to cost money. Taking a long walk with a friend or a pet is every bit as calming as a spa day for some people. I’ve also taken it upon myself to research “home spa” treatments. Once again, a quick google search brought me to a ton of concoctions for home beauty treatments. Though honestly, I’m really just trying to get used to doing things alone.
I was with my ex at 15 years old. We never waivered and were your storybook relationship until we actually grew up. I realized I was gay and he realized he wanted to have children and be close to his family. We matured into entirely different people and there’s nothing wrong with that. The failure of our marriage wasn’t anyone’s fault. But to continue the relationship would mean that we would no longer be happy. We care for each other far too much to “go through the motions”.
The complication that I’m facing emotionally is the fact that I will desperately miss his family. There are nieces and nephews that do not know I’m not a biological relative because I’ve always been in their lives. His eldest niece is getting married in June this year and while I am hoping for an invitation I will not be shocked if I do not get one. He seems to believe that nothing will change, that his family will still welcome me with open arms, and that I will be invited to functions.
I’m not as optimistic.
All in all I loathe this limbo feeling. Waiting on the lawyer, waiting on the mortgage company, waiting on the tax returns… waiting waiting waiting and nothing I can do about it. I don’t like my life not being something I can control.
He is slated to move out of the house in April and I in May, provided we don’t hear about the house before then. I hope to hear about it in late April. That will mean I am able to give myself time to move things out and not have to do it in one fell swoop. Though maybe one fell swoop will be better.